2011 ACADEMY AWARDS

I was busy hosting a party and tying for second place in our Oscar winner pick 'em (16/24), so I couldn't get around to live-blogging the ceremony. Never fear though, because I've prepared instead a retrospective diary of the entire event (which is even better, since I'll have more time think of witty comments to impress all eight of my readers).

And we're off!

8:00pm: We're opening with a montage of the ten nominated films for best picture. I'm reminded of a few things: rowing is hard, ballet is harder; Jesse Eisenberg made making a billion dollars look easy; it doesn't matter how many nominees there are for visual effects, 'cause Inception ain't losing. Jeff Bridges brings the eye patch back to the forefront of fashion.

8:02: The hosts--James Franco and Anne Hathaway--are introduced in another montage; this time they're transposed into different movies. Apparently, their voyage into making the Oscars a tad younger is to rip off what MTV has done for years for their movie awards. Alec Baldwin makes an appearance, drinking an Ambien juice box (probably in mass production as I type), even though he and Steve Martin bombed at hosting last year.

Please read on after the break.


8:07: Franco walks out with cell phone in hand, tweeting (twittering?) most likely. It's already easy to tell that Hathaway is trying too hard to impress, while Franco is...not. The monologue quickly becomes a personal chat between the two, while later introducing their own family members in the audience. Mrs. Hathaway tells her daughter to stand up straight because Steven Spielberg is nearby, while Grandma Franco says she just saw Marky Mark, who of course is now known simply as Mark Wahlberg. My favourite part of Hollywood is that if you're in the crew, rules don't really apply for you any longer. Take Wahlberg for example. By the age of thirteen he developed an addiction to cocaine. At fifteen, he harassed a group of African American children on a school trip, while also throwing rocks and racial slurs at them. At sixteen, he approached a middle-aged Vietnamese man and pummeled him with a stick, knocking him unconcious. Later, he attacked another Vietnamese man, this time blinding him in one eye, then he beat up a security guard.

I suppose you could just chalk this up to "youthful indiscretion," although attempted murder (which he was charged for, and subsequently served forty-five days of a two year sentence) might be pushing the envelope slightly. Of course, all now anyone remembers is that he's an Academy Award nominated actor and that he produces HBO's Entourage.

8:11: To keep the show young, they've somehow decided to celebrate...Gone with the Wind? Weird. Tom Hanks is introduced to give out the first of this year's awards, Art Direction. A curious one to start with. And just like everyone wrote it up, Alice In Wonderland is the 2011 Academy Awards first winner, beating out the likes of Inception and the True Grit. Oi. Is this where we're headed tonight? I don't have to tell you Alice was atrocious, right? Everyone saw that from the onset? For those who were lucky enough not to see it, all you need to know is that the Mad Hatter--who can barely put a sensible sentence together--has a sword fight with the Knave of Hearts.

8:16: Hanks sticks around to hand out Cinematography, which goes Wally Pfister for Inception in a bit of surprise over Roger Deakins for True Grit. Pfister thanks Christopher Nolan, as he should. We should all thank Nolan actually; he comes through every time.

8:21: Frathaway (it's too difficult to type both of their names) welcomes film legend Kirk Douglas to the stage to present Best Supporting Actress. And again, not trying to beat a dead horse here, but they've already highlighted a film from 1939, and now they're bringing out a man who looks like he's 1,939 years old to present. I thought this show was getting younger, not mummified.

Douglas gets a standing ovation and then slowly cues the nominees: Amy Adams for The Fighter; Helena Bonham Carter for The King's Speech (Bonham Carter looks crazy as usual, but not classic Bonham Carter crazy. At the Golden Globes, she looked like she had just eaten a live animal); Jacki Weaver for Animal Kingdom; Melissa Leo for The Fighter; Hailee Steinfeld for True Grit. I hope Leo doesn't get it. Steinfeld was leagues better, and--even though she's only fourteen-seems a lot more mature. She'll be around for a while.

I thought Douglas was going to announce the winner, but instead he makes fun of Hugh Jackman, and laments on how he was thrice in the position of these five women and came out empty each time.

Geez, he's still going.

After a long and drawn out process, the winner is...Melissa Leo. Ugh. Her dress looks like it was cut out by a fourth grader during art class. See for yourself:

Kirk Douglas will not get off the stage! He's escorts Leo over to the microphone, and then just stands there until he's helped back by his aide. Leo proceeds to thank David O. Russell (the director), Christian Bale, Wahlberg, Amy Adams. The real life version of her character--Alice Ward--is in the house, and she calls her and her family "beautiful"--which couldn't be further from the truth. Those women were ogres, man.

Leo pauses for clarity's sake...then says "fuck" during the speech.

8:31: Hathaway thought that 'F' stood for The Fighter. "Congratu-effin-lations," says Franco. "It's the young and hip Oscars!" Hathaway reminds us (again).

Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis (gadzooks!) walk out to present Best Animated Feature and Short. Sadly, and surprisingly, they have zero chemistry at the moment. Not a good sign since they're collaborating on Friends With Benefits later this year. JT pulls out his phone to change the background of the set, saying "I'm sure they make an app for that." I actually wouldn't be surprised if one did exist.

I've only seen Day & Night, the short in front of Toy Story 3, but it loses out to The Lost Thing. One of the winners accepts his award, and I kid you not, he is barely taller than the mic. In the biggest guarantee of the night, Toy Story 3 wins for Feature. Lee Unkrich accepts, and looks surprised, but you could get that homeless guy with the golden voice to direct and it still would have won. Pixar does not lose.

8:43: Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem are wearing matching white dinner jackets, with white shirts and white bow ties. I guess the store ran out of white pants because theirs are black. Adapted Screenplay time! 127 Hours, The Social Network, Toy Story 3, True Grit, and Winter's Bone. And the Oscar goes to...Aaron Sorkin, The Social Network. You can't handle the truth! Sorkin, who has basically owned this category throughout the circuit, has written a pretty good speech, which makes sense. Halfway through the orchestra chimes in, which is a real pet peeve of mine. I don't care if you're accepting for Screenplay, Director, or Best Mustache in a Comedy or Musical; you win, you deserve your moment in the spotlight. We all know the show is going long, why bother fighting it?

Original Screenplay nominated films are as follows: Another Year, The Fighter, Inception, The Kids Are All Right, The King's Speech. I've seen them all save for Year--Inception deserves the win. It won't get it, but it was BY FAR the most impressive. Go back and ponder Inception for a brief moment. Most of us couldn't even wrap our heads around what happened, and Christopher Nolan was able to write all of that down and make it watchable? And supremely enjoyable? When was the last time a summer blockbuster blew up your eyeballs and mind?

Sigh...David Seidler for The King's Speech. It's going to win everything tonight. Seidler actually had a stammer growing up, which is a funny coincidence.

8:53: Hathaway's back, this time in a tux. She says she wanted to do a duet with Hugh Jackman, then proceeds to sing 'On My Own' on her own, while laying into Jackman the whole time. What is with hating on Wolverine all night? Then Franco walks out in drag, to no one's surprise.

8:56: Russell Brand and Dame Helen Mirren for Best Foreign Language Film. Biutiful from Mexico/Spain; Dogtooth (brilliant!) from Greece; In a Better World from Denmark; Incendies from Canada; Outside the Law from Algeria. World follows up its Golden Globe win with another here. Haven't seen it yet; will add it to my Netflix queue.

8:59: We're rolling right along! Reese Witherspoon is out to present for Best Supporting Actor. Christian Bale for The Fighter; John Hawkes for Winter's Bone; Jeremy Renner for The Town; Mark Ruffalo for The Kids Are All Right; Geoffrey Rush for The King's Speech.

If Rush steals this, there will be no stopping Speech. But Bale, as expected wins. Even though, I didn't like The Fighter at all, no qualms with Bale. This is not even close to the best role he's ever done, but he deserves it just for his work on The Machinist (2002). Bale dropped 60-70lbs for the part; his daily intake consisted of an apple and a cup of coffee. Remarkable. Bale thanks (among others) Dicky Eklund, his character from The Fighter. "You're the best," Bale says. Best what, I might ask? Crackhead comes to mind. He then plugs Eklund's website.

9:10: The orchestra begins playing famous scores from year's past, like Star Wars and E.T. The winner for this year is Nine Inch Nails for The Social Network. Yes, Nine Inch Nails is now an Oscar winner. In the last decade, they join a list that includes Eminem and (shaking my head) Three 6 Mafia.

9:15: Franco is back out (and looking disgusted to be there) to introduce Matthew McConaughey (who is rarely seen without a shirt) and Scarlett Johansson (who I'd love to see without a shirt). The nominees in Achievement for Sound Mixing are Inception, The King's Speech, Salt, The Social Network, and True Grit (whose intro clip was pretty much the climactic scene of the film. So if you haven't seen it yet, no need to now). Lora Hirschberg, Gary A. Rizzo and Ed Novick for Inception. No explanation needed.

Not really sure how you can be nominated for Sound Editing and not Mixing, but there are only two carryovers with Inception and True Grit. The other three are Toy Story 3, Tron: Legacy, and Unstoppable (which was a trainwreck in itself). Inception wins again. Richard King accepts the award and says he "owes this award one-thousand percent to Christopher Nolan." But guess whose house Oscar is sleeping at? Nice try Mr. King. The real question is, whose house is Johansson sleeping at tonight?

9:25: Cate Blanchett wins for worst dress of the night. Tough to describe; better to just show a picture.

Seriously, for the money these people make, there has to be someone they've hired that can tell them how awful this is, right? Blanchett can't stop fidgeting with the envelope for Best Makeup. The reality of her wardrobe decision is probably just sinking in. It's Barney's Version versus The Way Back versus The Wolfman (whose intro shows all computer generated imagery, and no makeup. Who is selecting these clips?). Rick Baker and Dave Elsey win for The Wolfman. Baker says one sentence and passes it off to his partner, since he's already won six Oscars. You can tell fame hasn't changed Baker, because he still wears his hair in an enormous ponytail. 

9:28: Blanchett and her dress stay around to present Best Costume Design as well. If you're wondering, Blanchett's designer was not nominated. Alice In Wonderland, I Am Love, The King's Speech, The Tempest, and True Grit. It's Colleen Atwood for Alice, who accepts in front of a giant picture of Viggo Mortensen and Liv Tyler from The Lord of the Rings. Atwood, who is also a past winner, reads her speech word-for-word from a cue card. Not impressed. For those keeping track at home, that's two Academy Awards for Alice In Wonderland, and zero combined for True Grit and Winter's Bone. 

9:31: It's Original Song time! And another montage! This time it's people out on the street telling what their favourite film song is. All the black people pick rap, and all the white people pick love ballads. The only one who goes against the grain is President Obama (he's everywhere! Also, he's not on the street.) who chooses "As Time Goes By" from Casablanca. Kevin Spacey appears on stage and does a little ditty before presenting the nominees as they perform live versions of their songs. Randy Newman and his goofy voice (seriously, youtube him) sings "We Belong Together" from Toy Story 3. We cut to Zach Levi (not a bad voice actually) and Mandy Moore (still got it) as they sing "I See the Light" from Tangled. At the end, Levi gives Moore a sly smile and a wink. Back off Zach Levi, she's married. 

9:41: After a commercial break, Jake Gyllenhaal walks Amy Adams out to acknowledge Best Documentary Short Subject, otherwise known as "the one category no one at home has seen." It's between Killing in the Name, Poster Girl, Strangers No More, Sun Come Up, and The Warriors of Qiugang. Strangers takes the prize. After wikipedia'ing it, the synopsis says that Strangers is about a school in Tel Aviv, Israel where children from forty-eight countries and diverse backgrounds come together and learn. So, there you go. 

Scratch that, there are two categories no one at home has seen. Best Live Action Short Film pits The Confession, The Crush, God of Love, Nawewe, and Wish 143 against one another. God of Love wins and...holy crap, who is that guy?! A tall, gangly, white man with enormous hair bounds down the stairs to accept. Luke Matheny is his hair...I mean name. 

Once more, Wikipedia: a lounge singer and championship dart player named Raymond Goodfellow is desperately in love with a fellow band-mate, but she only has love for his best friend. The crooner prays daily to God for a way for his beloved to fall in love with him. One evening, his prayers are answered when he's given a box of magical darts with Cupid-like powers. Raymond decides to use the darts to make his own love connection. 

This is incredible, because I think I came up with this exact story when I was eight years old. All kidding aside, this dude is sensational. Funny speech, from the heart. Thanked his mom, dad, and composer/love of his life. Great guy, great hair. 

9:47: Frathaway are back. They cue up an auto-tuned collection of scenes from (big breath) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (HPATDHP1), Toy Story 3, The Social Network and The Twilight Saga: Eclipse. Some funny moments, though can't help but think that MTV has done something like this as well. The mic is passed over to the Big O, Oprah Winfrey for Best Documentary Feature. Exit Through the Gift Shop, Gasland, Inside Job, Restrepo, and Wasteland. I'd love to see Banksy (the director of Exit) win here, just to see what kind of shenanigans would happen onstage. Alas, it's Inside Job, which highlighted the financial crisis of 2007-2010. 

9:56: Billy Crystal walks onstage to a much deserved standing ovation. He should be, and always is, the first call the producers make when trying to find a host for the night's show. To no one's surprise, he's killing it on stage, spouting off jokes about his age, Bob Hope, and yes, Hugh Jackman. Through voodoo or some sort of witchcraft, they manage to broadcast the legendary Hope--who hosted the Oscars eighteen times. Yeesh--and have him converse with Crystal and the audience. 

Jude Law and Robert Downey Jr. (next year's host?) banter about how witty and charming Downey Jr. is, while also delving a little bit into his past life as the original Charlie Sheen. They're here to present for Visual Effects. Alice In Wonderland, HPATDHP1, Hereafter, Inception, Iron Man 2. Inception it is. Duh. I could watch that scene with Joseph Gordon-Levitt fighting in that twisting hotel hallway for hours. 

10:04: Film Editing's turn. Black Swan, The Fighter, The King's Speech, The Social Network, 127 Hours. Tough choice here. Network takes it. The winners thank Fincher who nervously picks at his lip. They manage to sneak in thanking the Academy right before the music cuts them off. Good call, man. You do not want to make them angry. 

10:10: In 2006, Jennifer Hudson won the Oscar for Supporting Actress for Dreamgirls. It would be an absolute shock to me if she is ever even nominated again. Meanwhile, back in the present, Hudson walks to the mic looking like she's lost half of a Jennifer Hudson. My favourite is when people say they are proud of their body and how they look...then lose 100lbs. 

The final two nominees for Original Song are up: first is Florence, from Florence and the Machine and A.R. Rachman to perform "If I Rise" from 127 Hours. Gwenyth Paltrow is the final one, and needless to say, the producers did not save the best for last. She should stick to having babies and naming them foolishly (see: Apple). If you're curious, without the much needed help of a studio, she manages to get through "I'm Coming Home," from Country Strong. It's all for naught, as Randy Newman ends up winning his second statue in twenty tries. Yes, you read that correctly. 

10:22: Celine Dion has the honour of performing while the yearly obiturary runs onscreen above her. In a classy move, the Academy has decided not to put a microphone near the audience this year, which always makes for a few awkward moments when the more popular stars get loads of applause, while lesser ones hear crickets. Some of the most well-known: Tony Curtis, Tom Mankiewicz, Gloria Stuart, William Fraker, Ronni Chasen, Leslie Nielsen, Pete Postlethwaite, Patricia Neal, Robert Culp, Lynn Redgrave, Susannah York, Jill Clayburgh, Irvin Kershner, Dennis Hopper, Dino De Laurentis, Blake Edwards. Finally, Halle Berry (who, for whatever reason, cannot stop blinking) gives a small speech to commemorate Lena Horne, one of the first African American actresses to make it in the business. 

10:31: We're into the meat and potatoes now. Anne Hathaway introduces Hilary Swank who in turn introduces Kathryn Bigelow (hey, I'm as confused as you are): last year's winner for Best Director, and the first woman to do so. This year's hopefuls are Darren Aronofsky for Black Swan; David O. Russell for The Fighter; Tom Hooper for The King's Speech; David Fincher for The Social Network; Joel Coen and Ethan Coen for True Grit (and Christopher Nolan for Inception. No? Really? Alright then.). 

In a bit of a surprise, Hooper for Speech snatches it away (not literally) from Fincher who was the prohibitive favourite. Hooper refers to Colin Firth, Geoffrey Rush and himself as "the triangle of man-love," then thanks his mom who went to a play reading of Speech and told her son to direct it. Good call on that one. By the way, who's thinking about what a man-love triangle looks like with Firth, Rush and Hooper?

10:41: Jeff Bridges--who should win this year, and should not have last year--is presenting for Best Actress. Annette Bening (whose clip highlights cast mate Julianne Moore's stronger performance more than her own) for The Kids Are All Right; Nicole Kidman for Rabbit Hole; Jennifer Lawrence (who HANDS DOWN wins for best dressed) for Winter's Bone; Natalie Portman for Black Swan; Michelle Williams for Blue Valentine.

The cutest pregnant woman in the world, Natalie Portman is your winner. She was unbelievable in in Swan. My favourite, and I think most impressive moments were the ones when her character Nina is alone to herself. The scene in the bathroom stall, where she calls her mother (an equally great Barbara Hershey), to tell her she won the part of the swan queen comes to mind. Without even mentioning the actual rigorous training required for a role like this, Portman did the very best job 'acting' among the group. Portman thanks Luc Besson (awesome) for her first performance in Léon, then the obligatory thank you's to the director, Aronofsky; her parents and her baby's daddy. 

10:49: Hathaway's been flying solo for a while. She says it's an honour to introduce Sandra Bullock. I say Bullock should be honoured she still has a career after knocking it out of the park with (but not limited to) Speed 2: Cruise Control, Miss Congeniality, Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous, and All About Steve. 

She does do a funny job of presenting the Best Actors however. Javier Bardem (who has the biggest sized head in Hollywood--maybe the world) for Biutiful (Question: How could Bardem be one of the final five, yet his film didn't even make the cut for Best Foreign Language Film?); Jeff Bridges for True Grit; Jesse Eisenberg for The Social Network; Colin Firth for The King's Speech; James Franco for 127 Hours. 

As expected, it's Firth for Speech; this was decided long ago. Firth's an extremely likeable fellow (British), who's one of the most respected actors out there. It is quite amazing that he was able to get through his lines without them being completely nonsensical. 

11:05: The Beard is last up to award the "best" film of 2010. He knows something of the subject, having been behind Jaws, E.T., Raiders of the Lost Ark, Schindler's List, Catch Me If You Can, and the upcoming War Horse, which should be a sure fire finalist in a year's time. The nominees for a final time: Black Swan, The Fighter, Inception, The Kids Are All Right, The King's Speech, 127 Hours, The Social Network, Toy Story 3, True Grit, and Winter's Bone. 

It's Speech in a landslide, most likely. After winning Screenplay, Director and Actor, Picture was inevitable. The whole ceremony was pretty cut-and-dry--not a lot of surprises. The King's Speech tied with Inception for most wins with four; The Social Network finished with three. On the other side of things, True Grit and Winter's Bone went winless while the atrocious Alice In Wonderland and The Wolfman combined for three. 

After an entire season of films, and nearly 4,000 words just on the night's proceedings, I for one am ready to turn the page, but at the same time, excited to do it all again next year. Happy watching.