MTV MOVIE AWARDS

I now remember why I don't watch MTV programming. With some of the worst writing this side of the Jersey Shore, one would think it would be hard to make comedians unfunny, yet they succeeded. The MTV Twilight Saga Appreciation Movie Awards were basically a two-hour slot to showcase what American teens think passes for a film nowadays. To no one's surprise, New Moon won five of eleven "awards" including Best Movie, Best Male & Female performance for Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, and Best Kiss by the aforementioned couple. Stewart--who should have won another award for Most Awkward Woman Alive--continues to baffle me by her general lack of ability to speak coherently.

Anna Kendrick won the award for Best Breakout performance for Up in the Air. But, she was also in Twilight--which is probably the reason she won. Best Scared-as-Shit performance went to Amanda Seyfriend for Jennifer's Body, while the Stupidest-as-Shit Award Name award went to MTV. Ken Jeong won for Best WTF Moment for his trunk escape in The Hangover. He actually had a touching acceptance speech--a rarity for these type of shows. The Biggest Badass Star award went to Korea's multi-threat Rain for Ninja Assassin. Best Villain went to Tom Felton for Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. I'm curious as to how the Twilight Saga does not have a villain. It's supposedly a saga, right?

Sandra Bullock was there to let everyone know she's doing just fine after her husband had a long-standing affair with a white supremacist. She won the Generation award, which was presented by Betty White, Bradley Cooper and Scarlett Johansson. Betty White received a huge standing ovation, which is especially curious because I'm sure that 99% of the teenagers there have no idea who she is. Cooper said some nice words after he and Bullock starred in the painstakingly horrid All About Steve. Johansson was there to look pretty. No, really. Then a scripted kiss happened between her and Bullock--which I was totally okay with. Watching the montage of Bullock's past films just confirmed my still disbelief over her winning the Academy Award for Best Actress this year. From the clips however, it is evident that she is very good at running and jumping into her co-stars arms. She also received a standing ovation (really?), but to her credit, she doesn't seem to take herself too seriously.

There was an absurd amount of cursing during the broadcast (see: three categories). Most were bleeped out, some were not. I love to swear, but there is nothing lamer than doing it just for show. Fittingly, Avatar walked away with zero trophies after winning a kajillion dollars this year. On a musical note, Katy Perry cannot sing worth a damn, but looks great doing it. Christina Aguilera was decent, but seems to be channeling her inner Lady GaGa. Snoop Dogg was good, but he wore weird shorts.

Here are all the nominees with the winners in bold:

BEST MOVIE
· Alice In Wonderland - Director: Tim Burton
· Avatar - Director: James Cameron
· Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - Director: David Yates
· The Hangover - Director: Todd Phillips
· The Twilight Saga: New Moon - Director: Chris Weitz

BEST FEMALE PERFORMANCE
· Amanda Seyfried – Dear John
· Emma Watson – Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
· Kristen Stewart – The Twilight Saga: New Moon
· Sandra Bullock – The Blind Side
· Zoe Saldana – Avatar

BEST MALE PERFORMANCE
· Channing Tatum – Dear John
· Daniel Radcliffe – Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
· Robert Pattinson – The Twilight Saga: New Moon
· Taylor Lautner – The Twilight Saga: New Moon
· Zac Efron – 17 Again

BEST BREAKOUT STAR
· Anna Kendrick – Up in the Air
· Chris Pine – Star Trek
· Gabourey Sidibe – Precious
· Logan Lerman – Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief
· Quinton Aaron – The Blind Side
· Zach Galifianakis – The Hangover

BEST COMEDIC PERFORMANCE
· Ben Stiller – Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian
· Bradley Cooper – The Hangover
· Ryan Reynolds – The Proposal
· Sandra Bullock – The Proposal
· Zach Galifianakis – The Hangover

BEST VILLAIN
· Christoph Waltz – Inglourious Basterds
· Helena Bonham Carter – Alice In Wonderland
· Ken Jeong – The Hangover
· Stephen Lang – Avatar
· Tom Felton – Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

BEST KISS
· Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson – The Twilight Saga: New Moon
· Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning – The Runaways
· Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds – The Proposal
· Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner – Valentine’s Day
· Zoe Saldana and Sam Worthington – Avatar

BEST WTF MOMENT
· Betty White – The Proposal, Cops a Feel
· Bill Murray – Zombieland , Bill Murray?! A Zombie?!
· Isabel Lucas – Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Unexpected Transformation
· Ken Jeong – The Hangover , Naked Trunk Surprise
· Megan Fox – Jennifer’s Body, Vomits a Mysterious Black Ooze

GLOBAL SUPERSTAR
· Robert Pattinson
· Kristen Stewart
· Taylor Lautner
· Johnny Depp
· Daniel Radcliffe

BEST SCARED-AS-SHIT PERFORMANCE
· Alison Lohman – Drag Me To Hell
· Amanda Seyfried – Jennifer’s Body
· Jesse Eisenberg – Zombieland
· Katie Featherston – Paranormal Activity
· Sharlto Copley – District 9

BIGGEST BADASS STAR
· Rain
· Angelina Jolie
· Channing Tatum
· Sam Worthington
· Chris Pine